As we start to share our vlogs from our trip to Las Vegas and California, I wanted to share a moment during the trip that you won’t see through the pictures we post.
Throughout the trip we posted pictures that capture a single moment. A moment where Dan and I are smiling, the kids are smiling and everything seems perfect. In that moment it is perfect and we really did have a great time throughout the trip, but it was hard.
The entire trip was a challenge for both Dan and I and trying to manage 4 kids at the same time was a lot of work. I won’t get into too much detail about what it was like traveling with 4 kids, as that will be a separate blog post, but I do want to share one particular moment from the trip.
I am always striving to be the best mom I can be and to be called a “supermom” is something I’m sure a lot of us love to hear. To me, being a supermom means you have everything under control, you are smiling, everyone is happy and you are capable of doing things on your own. I want to be proud of the mom I am and of the things I can achieve. I want my kids to be proud of me and I want to show that I am more than capable of handling things on my own.
I know a lot of you always ask how we do it, but the truth is I can’t always do it. I am not always going to be that “supermom” that I want to be and I have to learn that it’s ok.
It was my sisters bachelorette party and I planned to bring Emily and the triplets to dinner with me since we were going to a restaurant in the hotel and my nanny (grandma) would be watching them after when we went out for the night.
I was already running late and on top of that, I had my sisters outfit in my room, which then made her late for her own dinner. When I finally sat down for dinner, the triplets were very fussy and would not settle down. They wouldn’t sit and needed me to hold them. I had a little break down and started to cry. With everything going on and being late, it became overwhelming for me and it just hit me. I was able to turn my head, to avoid any attention and once I had my cry, I pulled it together and continued on with the night.
The next day it was my sister’s wedding! It was such a fun day and a beautiful ceremony. I was in the wedding party, so Dan was on his own getting everyone to and from the hotel, to the ceremony and then to dinner. My family was there as well, so they were able to help Dan and I out, especially when I was gone.
It is a lot of work trying to keep an eye on 4 kids, 4 toddlers at that, and to keep them entertained for a long stretch of time when they cannot just run around freely makes it extra challenging.
By the time I made it to the restaurant for dinner, Emily and the triplets were there, but Dan had to drive back to the hotel to drop off the van. My family was watching them and trying to keep them entertained, but now I was able to take over. It was a little stressful trying to figure out the seating, but I managed to place their high chairs right beside me.
They were pretty fussy, so I decided to just sit them in my lap, give them chop sticks to play with and give them water every time they asked, pretty much anything that would keep them calm and stop them from crying. It was working for a bit, but they would just fuss again and I felt the same feeling coming over me from the day before.
This was my sister’s wedding and with so many people there, trying to enjoy their time, I felt so bad knowing I couldn’t stop my own kids from crying and fussing. I felt like I was a burden to everyone around and it was unfair for me to ask for help after all the help they had given me during the day. What also makes it difficult is that the triplets are at a stage where they only want me. Even if someone else was to pick them up, they would cry until I was the one holding them.
I felt the rush of anxiety coming over me and the overwhelming feeling I felt at the bachelorette dinner. I thought the best solution would be to just leave. If I left, maybe it would help to calm them down and if not at least I wouldn’t be sitting with everyone while they were crying.
I packed Olivia and Levi into the stroller and picked Jackson up, Emily was sitting with my sister, so I didn’t need to take her with me. I tried to keep a smile on my face and hide the stress that was coming over me and I thought I could just walk away before anyone would notice.
I felt so ridiculous and so bad that I couldn’t keep my calm and figure out a way to settle them down. Dan was with them for the last few hours, so why couldn’t I handle the last 20 minutes? I felt like such a bad mom and I was just ruining everyone’s dinner with 3 crying kids. I hoped that by leaving, they would stop crying and I would be able to just get out of the situation and everything would be ok.
I thought I was being quick and no one noticed, but as I was trying to leave my step dad and a couple of others stopped me, trying to ask me what was wrong and where I was going. I remember saying I just need to leave, please just let me leave. I needed to leave before I started crying because the whole point of me leaving was to avoid any scene, but here I was creating one.
I just really wanted to get out, but no matter how much I tried, no one would let me leave. I remember sitting down and not being able to breathe. I never experienced anything like this before. Everything became so overwhelming for me in that moment, I was having a panic attack.
I felt so ashamed after, that I let it get to that level and I couldn’t keep it together. I was also so embarrassed that this happened in front of everyone and I felt even worse that it happened at my sister’s wedding dinner. I didn’t want to create a scene, which was why I was leaving in the first place, but in the end I did.
There was so much going on and things that were on my mind from the beginning of the week, all just piled up and spiraled down in that moment. It was my first time having an experience like that in public and I really was so embarrassed and couldn’t believe it happened.
In that moment I wasn’t a “supermom” and felt like a really bad mom. Everyone was so understanding about everything and everyone offered me such encouraging words. No one even heard them crying or were bothered by their fussiness. I created these thoughts and scenarios in my head and I let them get the best of me. It showed me that I can’t always do things on my own and no one expects me to. Everyone told me that they don’t expect kids to be quiet and sit still and they all know what it is like to have kids who get fussy at times.
It is still hard for me to think about it and know that I couldn’t handle the situation, but at the same time it helped me to realize that there will be hard times and I have only experienced 2 years of what it is like to have 4 kids and there will be many more times where things become overwhelming and I may just break down again.
I wanted to share this story and my experience to show you that there is always so much more to what you see through pictures. Dan and I love to share our happy moments and times when everyone is smiling, but that doesn’t mean every moment is like that. We don’t always want to show you the sad moments or times we fight or someone gets hurt, but they are there and we go through them just like everyone else.
Parenting is hard and 100% a challenge for both of us and for every parent out there. Someone may have all the patients in the world with a laid back attitude, but that doesn’t mean they won’t face a time when they can’t handle it. I thought I could always handle the stressful times in public, but it just goes to show, you never know when you will break.
I was so lucky to be surrounded by my family and Mike’s family who were so kind and understanding. I think it is so important to make sure you keep those who are there for you close and to always know there are people out there who care for you. Don’t be afraid to ask for help because no one expects you do always be able to do it on your own; a lesson I am slowly learning myself!
To Check out all of our vlogs from our trip, head over to YouTube! We created a Playlist – Las Vegas/California Road Trip 2017, so you can find all the vlogs in one area! (they will be posted over the week!)